Brent Riggs - Dealing With Bad Family

A reader asked: There is an immature, angry member of my extended family. They are not only truly hateful and argumentative, they have told blatant and dangerous lies about my family, specifically that my husband did something inappropriate. There is no doubt to anyone in the family that this is not true, but I'm wondering how to handle the situation, especially with the holidays coming and family events are being planned. I don't want to be around them, or want my family around them. Is that unchristian? Any advice?

You have every right to decide who can be around your family in a private situation/event in your "domain" (i.e, your house, your events, etc).

Remember that you do not have the right to force your personal convictions regarding other family members on those outside of your home. You may choose not to attend an event at their house or at another place where that person will be in attendance, but you should refrain from telling others who they can or cannot invite.

Also, I do not feel that it would be right to inform family members why you have declined an invitation unless they have specifically asked. At that point, you can explain, in a non-gossipy, uncritical way, the truth about why you are not attending the event. ?We have decided not to come because of the situation between us and (the other family member).?

Due to the seriousness of the accusation against your husband, it is important to not let anyone in your family be alone with that person, if you do choose to attend a family function. Do not give any credibility to the accusations. Without evidence or witnesses, it becomes just hurtful talk.

As far as your attitude goes, it would only be unchristian if you were to withhold forgiveness. Otherwise, do what you are able to do for the sake of peace, keeping things from escalating, BUT always protecting your family.

Remember, as a Christian, your marriage and your kids come first.

Attend the family dinner. Go to the holiday party. In public, act like everything is fine. If the offending family member makes an effort to patch things up, reciprocate. However, I must warn you to be careful and discerning. People often use attempts at reconciliation as a ploy to start things up again.

Resist the temptation to talk to others in your family about the offender. This can be very difficult to do, but there is nothing good about getting everyone on ?your side?. Spreading the ?news? of the bad behavior under the guise of being ?concerned? is gossip, plain and simple.

Ultra-immature and childish members of the extended family can be quite maddening, but they don't have to have power over you. YOU dictate the interaction with your family on YOUR turf, but you can only carefully manage the situation outside your own environment, like at this Thanksgiving event.

I want to say this again ? do not force your family members to side with you. People are smart and will be able to see the truth. Troublemakers and liars rarely have their family members fooled. It's not fair for you to demand the other family members abide by your convictions. Therefore, your options are not to attend or to hold a gathering at your home without inviting the offending family member.

However, my nutshell advice to you is: allow them to visit your home with the stipulation there will be no fighting or angry outbursts or they will be asked to leave. Make sure no one in your immediate family is alone with them. Attend the other family functions but tell the host of each event you will immediately leave if that person starts an ugly scene. G. Brent Riggs, author of "Life Without Debt", "Desperation Station" and SeriousFaith.com has over 20 years experience as an business owner, teacher, personal growth coach and mentor. You can contact him from his main website: http://www.gbrentriggs.com